


The Fateful Question

by LuckyIzzy



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Confused Izaya, Crack, Fateful Question, Gen, Sarcastic Namie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 02:45:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15378990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyIzzy/pseuds/LuckyIzzy
Summary: You do not get to see a dumbfounded Izaya everyday, do you?





	The Fateful Question

It was no different from any of their usual chases, Izaya running and skipping playfully along the sidewalks of Ikebukuro, with the fighting doll of Ikebukuro on his tail. He is getting tired, it is already quite late and even though he hated to admit it, he would much prefer it if he would not have to meet Shizu-chan today. He already had enough on his plate. He sighed as he ducked for a piece of railing thrown his way. Seriously does this monster never tire? Izaya gracefully glided with his skillful parkour. Maybe it was the colorful hinges of light on the sides of streets that had him lost his concentration for a while. Or maybe it was because his mind was distorted from all the events of the day. Or maybe it was because his whole body was hurting like he had done acrobats all through the day, which most definitely was not the case. He suddenly realized, Shizu-chan has gotten pretty near him. On a desperate attempt, as his mind was all messed up, he tried to get away from the alleyway. It was the worst mistake he could have done. He should have remembered that this alleyway had a dead-end. He mentally cursed himself. Oh well, maybe it was Karma punishing him for loving those tedious humans.  
“IZZZZAAAAAAYAAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUN” The beast growled, it could put the thunder to shame. The poor informant felt himself sweating despite the chilly breeze flowing during the night. He took a step back, he has given himself up to Karma already. He was not in his usual state so that he could use his sharp tongue to fight this monster. He weakly threw his switchblade at the tall man wearing a bartender suit, even though he knew it was pointless. He is going to die, if he is lucky enough he would end up at some hospital with a few or many broken bones and internal injuries. Shizuo Heiwajima slowly moved himself towards him, his face stoic, mocha eyes hidden behind those stupid glasses. Izaya couldn’t read him at all. He is breathing heavily, his heart racing faster about what this animal in human skin is going to do. He closed and opened his sweaty palms. He felt insecure. He felt like whatever this bodyguard is going to do, it can’t be too pleasant. _Farewell my beloved tedious humans, I would not be able to watch over you anymore, goodbye Ikebukuro which is going to be my dying place as I have always expected, sayonara Namie, I would not be able to tease you anymore(I am sure you will have tears of joy or even throw a party at my demise, at least I could give you that much happiness by dying), Adieu my sisters and many others, I the great Izaya Orihara is going to die in this overgrown amoeba’s hands, such a tragic end for the great me._  
The blonde silently walked very close to the very nervous informant, who by no means was letting his nervousness show upon his face. He puts on his best grin and laughs, “Now what Shizu-chan? Aren’t you going to kill me? Your long awaited desire would come true. Go ahead and kill me.” Shizuo ignored Izaya’s words as he stared at his face. Izaya swallowed, “Haha don’t chicken out now Shizu-chan! Prove your monstrosity by killing me just like a beast such as you would do, go ahead.” Izaya rolled his head, he prayed that reverse psychology works on monster. Shizuo doesn’t reply. The raven is seriously expecting a punch on his face or a hand on his throat. He is sure Shizu-chan has always shipped his punch with his face. And as Shizu-chan has the chance now, he is going to make his OTP canon. A silence so thick that Izaya can cut with his blade hangs around them. Shizu-chan is wearing his stupid unreadable expression even now. Now Shizuo opens his lips finally, Izaya is expecting a curse or something like ‘flea’ or ‘louse’. The broker would still be grateful if the silence is broken. It is making him go crazy with having no idea what to talk about or against.  
“Have you had sex?”  
“…..”  
“…..”  
There ran so many things across his minds that Izaya is almost sure that he is dreaming or he is already dead. No Izaya is just kidding. Either he is hearing wrong or Shizu-chan is joking of course. He stared at Shizuo, who stared back at him. It doesn’t seem like Shizuo is joking or even he has heard wrong. _Oh god, what have I done to hear this from a guy no other than Shizu-chan. Now what can make him ask this to me, his archenemy! Maybe Shizu-chan has taken an interest in him, it is not possible by any means right, right?? Now should I answer honestly? What would he say if he heard it? Oh god why am I even worrying about what he would think? NOOO why am I even bothering to answer him? Someone like him!_ Izaya felt like laughing. Really Shizu-chan is as unexpected as he had expected. The best thing Izaya could come up with his mangled state of mind was…  
“Uhh why?  
Don’t tell me you got laid or going to have sex so you want someone to give you advice?”  
 _Okay, now this has made him quite curious, did Shizu-chan really have sex? Or going to do it? Who is the girl…or the guy? (Izaya was a very open-minded person) Is it someone he knew? Maybe that chick called Vorona, or maybe that Tom (Izaya cringed at the mental image), or maybe someone he is not expecting? Maybe it was Celty, who is just a monster like Shizu-chan is(they are good friends to boot).No matter who it was, Izaya was getting fucking damn curious. He didn’t understand why he was getting that curious, maybe it was a perfectly normal thing for humans to get curious about if their sworn enemy has sex or not, no matter what **keep your friends close and enemies closer** , right. It must be that. He sounded doubtful in his own ears._  
“I take that as a no then.” Shizuo moved back. _Well that was not actually a lie to say Izaya never had sex. Sure, he had seen naked man and woman, even gone half ways, but never the actual thing. He had always had to careful to not have a loop hole in those cases. Ha had thought of asking Namie, but judging how much complex she has regarding her brother she will probably put him down._  
“Well, don’t act like you are some experienced dude.” Izaya crossed his arms. Shizuo silently lighted up a cigarette. “Why did you ask that anyway?” Izaya crossed his arm. “’Cause I wanted to.” Shizuo answered nonchalantly.  
“What kind of answer is that?” Izaya felt a little stupid.  
“I asked ‘cause I wanted to.”  
“Hey tell me why.”  
“I already did.”  
“No you didn’t.”  
“I said the reason I asked is that I wanted to and I can ask.”  
“What kind of half-assed reason is that?”  
“It may not seem much to you, but it is a valid reason for me.”  
“Tell me.”  
“I already did.”  
Izaya felt like he had gotten struck in a never ending argument. Before he could manage a perfect come-back, Shizuo was already going away, the blonde muttered a good night before mixing up with the gray crowd of Ikebukuro city, the man wearing a furry coat stared at his back for a long while.

 

 

 

 

“Namie, did you ever have sex?” Namie choked on the coffee she was drinking before looking skeptically at his boss who is currently sitting at the sofa (not doing his paper works). Her boss had been thinking something since coming back to his apartment quite late. She had thought it must be about his next devious plan or something. She always knew her boss had been a bit of pervert, but never low enough to think about whether his secretary had sex or not for nearly 2 hours without doing any of his work! _Poisoning the coffee seems like such a heavenly idea now. She would do both herself and mankind a favor by doing that, getting rid of this stupid, narcissistic, pervert with a mind of 8 year old and a god complex. But she has to get the month’s paycheck and probably a bit of extra money from him before that. So that poisoning part should be kept on hold for a while._  
“Judging the delay in your reply, the answer is no. You are saving your virginity with for your brother.” Izaya replied his own question thoughtfully. _Namie has to use her last bit of self control not to throw the coffee on her boss and then continuing to strangle him_. “You know there are some questions you should not ask your opposite gender, well of course a trash can with no brain and 0 common sense would not know that.” “Why not?” _Namie prayed to god, no wait Satan to take this garbage back to hell, where he probably was kicked from_. Izaya looked sternly at her, “You know I love all human beings equally, man, woman or transgender. So I should see all of them as equally, I should never differentiate.” _It is all done, no one can help now. The loose screw in her boss’ head has finally came off. Please heavens or hells, don’t let me be the one to put the end of this vulgar man_. “I see, I never knew….you swing that much.” “What are you saying? I am as straight as a dick.” “But…dicks swing all the way.” “Do I?” Namie nodded silently, _please don’t let her have a conversation about sexuality with this man, as much as she would have loved to do or say anything that had the word ‘sex’ in it with Seiji, with this man it was a pure no_.  
Izaya freaking can’t sleep. What if Shizu-chan that stupid protozoan had sex before him? _He felt a bit of sadness and disappointment, in his life of 23 years, he had never found someone worthy enough to sleep with him_.

But being the well refined human being, and not the Shizu-brute, Izaya merely sulked for days.

Namie’s inner doctor self prescribed a dose of “getting laid” for him internally, but she would rather see him dying sex deprived.


End file.
